


Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptanc

by Laura Shapiro (laurashapiro)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-05-24
Updated: 2001-05-24
Packaged: 2017-10-02 02:18:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurashapiro/pseuds/Laura%20Shapiro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A folk song about death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptanc

**Author's Note:**

> Written after "The Gift" aired.

Of course I always knew the odds. I knew that I would  
live to see you die. No matter how often I envisaged it  
(and it was oftener then was probably healthy), I could  
never escape the inevitable conclusion that, however it  
happened, it would be my fault.

My fault, for not having trained you hard enough. My  
fault, for not be able to give you the information you  
needed. Not being there. Taking my eyes off you for one  
second, the wrong second.

How could I have let it get this far? How could I let you  
persist in this madness, this insane notion that Dawn was  
the only thing that mattered? Mattered more than the  
world. More than you.

It might interest you to know that Dawn is in foster care  
now. I've petitioned the courts for the right to her  
custody, but with my history it's unlikely that it will  
be awarded me. For some reason no one thinks that a  
bachelor who spends all his free time with children makes  
a good candidate for a parent. Can't imagine why.

I'm sure the McAllums are fine people...well, no,  
actually, I'm not sure of that it all. Dawn is a ghost of  
what she was, isn't that ironic.

She's miserable, Buffy, and she's alone, because you took  
from her the last shred of her family, robbed her of the  
one thing, the one person she could depend on. Alone,  
because you were so stubborn, so selfish.

God *damn* you. How dare you? You had no right!

I could never reason with you, once your mind was made  
up, no matter the odds. No matter the risks. You followed  
your heart.

I told you I was proud. I lied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No. This isn't how it works. This is not how it¹s supposed  
to work.

You can't be gone, it doesn't make any sense. It should  
have been Dawn, or Spike, or me, even, but not you.

It doesn't work that way.

We followed you. I don't even remember when it happened,  
but we started just automatically doing whatever you  
said. But, see, the thing was, you were always right. It  
always worked out, before.

Pretty much.

You left before, but you always came back. I found Tara,  
even. And Glory's dead and Dawn's okay and the world  
didn't end, so you just have to be...

I found Tara. I could...I could find you. I could bring  
you back. That book -- where's that book --

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anya and I are getting married. I wanted to tell you  
first. I was even going to ask you to be my best man.

That's why you have to come back, Buf. You know you can't  
resist me in a tux. And hey, cake and stuff. Cakey  
goodness.

Did you know that I finally...stopped? I mean, I haven't  
even been checking out your ass lately. Not that I'm  
blind, I mean, I still look at other girls, but you're --  
Buffy. Somehow I just stopped thinking of you like that.  
You're just -- Buffy.

Hey, that's not why you...is it? I mean, if you come  
back, I promise I'll start checking out your ass again.

God. OK, that was probably rude and in very bad taste.

You know you gotta come back, Buf. You don't want to miss  
the wedding.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's left for me, then?

Can't bite people, don't even much want to. Not much  
point in fighting the forces of so-called evil without  
you around. Can't seem to get interested. Sodding robot's  
not even reparable. Not that Red would fix it if I asked  
her to. Bloody defamation, she'd say.

Your scoobs come around sometimes. Me and Giles will have  
a few, get pissed, argue until one of us falls asleep. The  
others bring me blood once in awhile. Getting rarer,  
though. No excuse for hanging round with a bloody  
useless, soulless vampire who can't even --

Little Bit's gone, you know, love. New family are rich  
bastards who will not invite the likes of me in. Not good  
enough for 'em. Not good enough for anyone, seems like.

I can't protect her for you, even though I promised. They  
pick her up after school and she's got a curfew and that.  
The one time I tried sneaking up to her window at night  
the bloody dog tore half my leg off. Hope she likes the  
dog, anyway.

I'm fucking useless. Didn't realize until you were gone.  
When they defanged me, I went a bit mad, thought I'd off  
myself. Then I had this reason not to.

Now I've got no reason. Now I've got nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I understand why you did it. I mean, I would've done it  
for you. I tried to, but you wouldn't let me.

But I get it now. I thought a lot about it, about what  
you said right before. And now I'm trying to stand it. I  
am standing it. I'm trying to be worth it.

It's so hard sometimes, Buffy. It feels like there's a  
piece of me missing. Not even mom...it didn't feel like  
this.

The McAllums are nice. I hate them. It's kind of good,  
hating them. It gives me something else to think about.

I'll be glad when school starts again.

We haven't figured out who the new Slayer is, if there is  
one. Giles said she might not even get sent to Sunnydale  
after what happened to the last two.

Giles comes over a lot. I think he freaks them out a  
little, but they let him come over. He doesn't talk much,  
but he brings me books.

Xander and Anya are letting me be in the wedding. They're  
not having it right away; Xander says we're still in  
mourning and it wouldn't be right, but you can tell Anya  
thinks we should start partying as soon as possible.  
You'd like my dress. It's pink.

I'm sorry for all the times I yelled at you and shut  
myself up in my room and borrowed your clothes without  
asking. Oh, and when I was younger, I read your diary. I  
really am sorry about that, but I was only nine. There  
wasn't anything good in it anyway.

I miss you so much, Buffy. Sometimes I still cry and cry  
and cry. Other times I feel so proud of you I could just  
explode. Sometimes, like now, I feel guilty. You did it  
for me. How can I ever deserve that?

But then I think about what you said, about how you chose  
it. And I just hope you found what you were looking for.

 

END


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